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For a long time, I assumed that Disney manufactured its female stars on some sort of farm in an undisclosed location, much like how Duke basketball grows its awkward, goofy looking white players. I later came to the conclusion that Disney didn’t so much raise these monsters from birth, but rather they found them in trailers in backwoods Louisiana and agreed to take care of them until they reached of 18, at which point their careers would completely derail in a hilarious, drug-induced downward spiral. Miley Cryrus is the latest to reach the end of the unwritten contract. She has reached the age of consent (sorry pedophiles), which means Disney’s protective blanket is gone and they’re no longer going to destroy the evidence of all of the stupid, horrible things she’s done. As you’ve probably seen by now, she was caught smoking salvia, because an 18-year-old doing (legal) drugs is both shocking and a major news story and should be the top story on every major news outlet. The drugs were disappointingly minor, but don’t worry, there’s still plenty of time for her to have a total career meltdown. Remember when it was only rumored that Lindsay Lohan was a coke whore? The career downfall will come, and it will be great, because who doesn’t love a little Schadenfreude?
10 years from now this will be remembered as our Lexington and Concord
But you’re not here for that, you’re here to read about bad Christmas songs, or more likely, you’re at the wrong website altogether. Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree is probably my least favorite Christmas song. Songs about dancing around trees just don’t do it for me. Nor do the twangy, faux-country vocals that plague every fucking version of this song ever performed. The Miley Cyrus version is no exception.
Miley’s Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree is a clusterfuck of three different genres of music smashed together into one song, trying to appeal to as many people as possible, which seems pointless considering the 12-year-old girls that make up the target audience for this drivel will listen to whatever garbage a sperm-guzzling robot (Ke$ha) is churning out this week. The intro starts out as a straight pop song before inexplicably transforming into a rocker that mixes together with Miley’s awful, overemphasized country twang of a voice. The result, as you’ve probably guessed, is not very good. By trying to create a song with broad appeal, the puppeteers behind Miley’s music inadvertently create a sonic disaster that isn’t appealing to anyone who likes sounds of any kind.
Maybe that’s being a little harsh. The song, while bad, even by Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree standards, which are pretty low standards, is not nearly as bad as the newly established standard for awful Christmas music, or even our old standard, Wonderful Christmas Time. And when her inevitable coke addiction thrusts her into obscurity, this song will go with her.