andrewmcass:

Hello,

I am very sad right now. You might not be able to tell because the surgeries I’ve had on my face make it impossible to frown.

You see, two of my daughters have wed and one of them is still happily married, at least until her contract expires. But I have another daughter who is still not married. This makes me upset because there is a lot of mon—I mean I want her to be happy. And I don’t think she’ll be happy until she gets married.

But I have some good news for her as well as for you eligible bachelors out there. How would you like to become famous by marrying a girl who is famous because she is the sister of someone who is famous because she had sex with someone who is famous because he is the brother of Brandy? Well then you’re in luck. As part of a very special holiday offer, you can marry my daughter Kourtney for only $10 million.*

Now, that may seem like steep price at first, but hear me out. Think of it not as buying a wife, but as buying stocks. With a lucrative TV contract, gifts from your overblown wedding (we are in talks to have the first ever wedding on the moon), as well as being written into the next season of Keeping up With the Kardashians, I guarantee that you will make your money back and then some in no time.

If you’re still not sold, (and I don’t know how you couldn’t, but I digress) I have some even better news: You are only contractually obligated to be married for 51 days! That’s right, 21 days shorter than Kim’s marriage. I’ve had more plastic surgeries than that.

As part of the deal, you will be credited as an executive producer for Kourtney and [Your name here, preferably starting with a K]’s Even Fairy Tellier Wedding (On the Moon!) and will receive royalties every time the episode airs. Based on E!’s programming schedule, that alone should be able to send your great-great-great-great grandkids through school.

Those interested in proposing can send me a message @krisjenner on Twitter. I would also be interested in selling the rights to my two other daughters, but my lawyer advised me not to because they are underage and it would be considered “human trafficking.” Whatever. If you’re interested in that, hold off and get back to me in a few years.

Love,

Kris Jenner

*The price does not include the cost of the engagement ring. You’re on your own for that one. And it better be a nice one too. Let’s not mock the institution of marriage.

I had no idea you were so well versed in Kardashian, Andrew. This made me LOL.