witticismparadise:

NEW YORK — This weekend’s moving and shifting over at last place NBC inspired first place CBS to do some soul-searching of their own, asking their viewers to stop making them the most watched network on television.

After NBC pulled critically-acclaimed, but sparsely watched Community from their mid season rotation, CBS made an announcement of their own.

“If everyone stopped watching our stupid shit, this kind of move wouldn’t have to happen. Now it’s only Community, but what’s NBC going to yank next? Parks and Recreation? Please, stop watching our dumb programming,” said every executive at CBS.

Stalwarts like Two and a Half Men, NCIS, CSI and Survivor have dominated the ratings game for years, while up-and-comers such as Mike and Molly and The Good Wife have shown promise too.

CBS’ long tenure atop the ratings has everyone baffled, viewers and executives alike. From one dry procedural drama to the next, from one humor-less mult-camera sitcom to another, the ratings refuse to dip, leaving higher-ups searching for answers.

“I mean, our shows are really, really dumb. We have three CSIs, two NCISes, essentially 10 Two and a Half Men and The Amazing Race. Do you see how much clever, innovative programming there is on other networks and cable channels? Everyone who watches our network needs to wake the fuck up. We can’t sit here knowing a show like Community is getting shafted, while people continue to watch Rules of Engagement,” again, said every executive at CBS.

The network has tried in the past to decrease its viewership, as recently as earlier this year, when they fired Charlie Sheen from Two and a Half Men. With hopes that the show would just die after his departure, show-runners decided to bring in Ashton Kutcher.

CBS called the move “a shot in the foot,” and confessed that they thought “they had rid the network of Jon Cryer and that fat kid from See Spot Run once and for all.”

phroth:

By Hal Dworkin, Phroth Staff Writer

Notorious terrorist and leader of Al Qaeda Osama Bin Laden came to an end yesterday when members of the United States Army stormed a cave in the mountains of Afghanistan where Bin Laden was hiding after receiving a tip from the CIA on some breakthrough…

phroth:

“This has been a long time coming,” said sociologist Carmen Russo. “We’ve been measuring hipsters’ apathy levels for years, and we all knew it was a matter of time before they reached critical mass. Honestly, we all predicted this would happen after Arcade Fire was nominated for a Grammy.”

(Phroth Early Spring 2011 Phollegian)

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Breaking news: the House will drop “forcible rape” language that could have excluded some rape victims from being able to seek federal help to pay for an abortion. TPM attributes the decision to “pressure from women’s groups, Democratic politicians and Jon Stewart.”

When common sense prevails, everybody wins.

phroth:

- Phroth Magazine, Fall 2009

(Written by Matt Powers, Produced by Michelle Clarke)

What is comedy? How do you define comedy? Even the dictionary can’t define pure comedy; it can define parody, satire, stand-up comedy, or comedy as literature, but it can’t tell you what comedy is. Some people say that comedy is anything that makes you laugh. But I would have to disagree. In order to succeed as a comedian or in the world of comedy, you have to have an audience who finds your sense of humor to be funny. Then again, there are comedians (Dane Cook) who aren’t inherently funny and who are generally abhorred by most comedians, but who are incredibly and inexplicably popular. When you’ve devoted much of your life and your career to refining and honing your comedic skills and they say that they’d much rather attend one of Dane Cook’s shows…does that mean that he is funnier than you are? Or does that mean that the audience’s understanding of the art of comedy is simply more primitive than your own? Some might argue that there is no such thing as a primitive sense of humor, that anything that can make you laugh is comedy and there is no difference between different qualities of humor, but anyone who has ever worked to create comedy knows that this is not true.

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